The National Transportation ...

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
    Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"


http://www.butlerwebs.com/jokes/driving.htm 

A police officer pulls a guy ...

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:Officer: May I see your driver`s license?Driver: I don`t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.Officer: May I see the owner`s card for this vehicle?Driver: It`s not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen?Driver: That`s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner`s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.Officer: There`s a gun in the glove box?Driver: Yes sir. That`s where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.Officer: There`s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?Driver: Yes, sir.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:Captain: Sir, may I see your license?Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.Captain: Whose car is this?Driver: It`s mine, officer. Here`s the owner`s card. The driver owned the car.Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there`s a gun in it?Driver: Yes, sir, but there`s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there`s a body in it.Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.Captain: I don`t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn`t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.Driver: Really? Ain`t that something? And I`ll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

Please note that Banks...

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.MALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.* 2 Put down your car window.* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.* 6 Put window up.* 7 Drive off.FEMALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to cash machine.* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.* 5 Turn the radio down.* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.* 9 Insert card.* 10 Re-insert card the right side up* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.* 12 Enter PIN.* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.* 14 Enter amount of cash required.* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.* 19 Re-check make-up again.* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.* 22 Retrieve card.* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.* 27 Release Parking Brake.

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/driving-jokes

A young boy had just ...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I`ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I`m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you`ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn`t get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I`ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/driving-jokes

The mother and father...

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?""Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I`ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/driving-jokes