A car speeding down the highway ...

 A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
    A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
    "Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am?  A stunt driver or something?"
http://www.butlerwebs.com/jokes/driving.htm

Two blondes were observed ...

Two blondes were observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:Blonde #1 said, "I can`t seem to get this door unlocked!"Blonde #2 replied, "Well, you`d better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!"

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/driving-jokes

A truck driver was heading ...

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn`t run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn`t see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I`m sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."But the priest said, "Don`t worry, son. I got him with my door."

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/driving-jokes

I tell you, women drivers are...

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/driving-jokes

The Top 10 Signs You May Be a Bad Driver10

The Top 10 Signs You May Be a Bad Driver10> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it -- at traffic court.9> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille.8> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers.7> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now "feel like walking to Jordan."6> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot.5> Earl Scheib just named his new 160-foot yacht after you.4> You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you.2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it was *up* at the time.and the Number 1 Sign You May Be a Bad Driver...1> Every time your cell phone rings while you`re putting on makeup, you spill your tea, drop your Game Boy and rear-end the car in front of you on the freeway.

The National Transportation ...

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
    Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"


http://www.butlerwebs.com/jokes/driving.htm 

A police officer pulls a guy ...

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:Officer: May I see your driver`s license?Driver: I don`t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.Officer: May I see the owner`s card for this vehicle?Driver: It`s not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen?Driver: That`s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner`s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.Officer: There`s a gun in the glove box?Driver: Yes sir. That`s where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.Officer: There`s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?Driver: Yes, sir.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:Captain: Sir, may I see your license?Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.Captain: Whose car is this?Driver: It`s mine, officer. Here`s the owner`s card. The driver owned the car.Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there`s a gun in it?Driver: Yes, sir, but there`s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there`s a body in it.Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.Captain: I don`t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn`t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.Driver: Really? Ain`t that something? And I`ll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

Please note that Banks...

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.MALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.* 2 Put down your car window.* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.* 6 Put window up.* 7 Drive off.FEMALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to cash machine.* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.* 5 Turn the radio down.* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.* 9 Insert card.* 10 Re-insert card the right side up* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.* 12 Enter PIN.* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.* 14 Enter amount of cash required.* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.* 19 Re-check make-up again.* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.* 22 Retrieve card.* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.* 27 Release Parking Brake.

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/driving-jokes

A young boy had just ...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I`ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I`m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you`ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn`t get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I`ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/driving-jokes

The mother and father...

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?""Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I`ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

http://www.jokes-db.com/jokes/driving-jokes